Is there an age when it’s understood that you can no longer wait? What should we do with ourselves when we get horny? (Yes, virgins, or the holiest people get horny too). Is the emphasis on sex too much? Why do people want to give virgins a medal, but no one is giving a medal to someone who isn’t a glutton? According to the bible, these are both sins. Is it because of the possible soul ties created during sex? In the bible days, waiting was easier because they got married almost after the girls started their menstruation. Today, the average age of marriage is 27 for women, and 29 for men.
These are some questions that have been heavy on my mind lately. I don’t have the answers to them, but some of my fav gals have so generously shared a large part of their journey. The answers I am sharing are from young ladies, so again, I don’t know about older single women, say age 30+, but God help us all! I was really blessed by their responses, and so thankful that I have a rich poll of loved ones.
Grace: Engaged, getting married @23.
Me: I’m sure this is a private for you and bae, but as a Christian dating, how possible is it to remain pure? How far becomes too far? How do you draw the line on your passion? I’m struggling with this, and I’m not even committed to one person, yet… so I’m just really curious. Can this be achieved?
Grace: It can definitely be achieved. But it gets harder the more emotionally close you get over time. Again, it’s possible. Bae and I were friends for a while before dating. My Nigerian upbringing always remained at the front of my mind that sex before marriage was a ‘no, no!’ It helped that he saw it that way too.
For a whole year, there was no holding hands, frontal hugs or nada so I really did not lust after the man for at least a year and a half. Literally, we had our first kiss a year after, and we were still fine because we have boundaries.
The hardest part came after having one’s apartment, watching movies together and hanging out by ourselves AT night. When u set an atmosphere for the do, it’s easy to go down that line. So, if we felt gears where shifting, one of us would be like, ‘hey it’s time to go… like now!’
“Far” is quite subjective. Like I said, kissing wasn’t a problem before, but then French kissing is where you start to touch and it goes downhill. So, for us, French kissing was far because it is very stimulatory and what’s the point arousing yourself if can’t do anything?
Essentially, as we collectively knew why we were waiting it helped. As long as we didn’t kiss or French kiss we were good. As long as we had an action plan of what we were going to do at night as opposed to no plan, or a, ‘hey lets watch Netflix,’ we were good. Idleness quickly aids sexual sin. Also movies!!! We try not to watch R-rated movies because of sex scenes and because it has a way of making you lust.
Me: Woooooowwww!! You have blown my mind away!! So encouraged by you love.
Liz: Married @24
Me: Dating your hubs for the length of time you did (about 3 – 4 years), how did you stay a virgin? You know how I like practicality, please be honest and relatable.
Liz: It was God’s grace. There is no practicality. Sometimes we made out, but thank God we never took it as far as actually ‘doing it.’ We both talked about our desire not to have sex until marriage and how difficult it was etc. Being open and able to communicate helps because you both know where you stand. We prayed about it together: ‘Lord help us stay pure,’ etc. I had to realize that my strength is from God, and not in myself. The minute you feel like you can handle being alone etc. without anything happening, that becomes an opportunity for the devil to battle with your mind. I would think of the consequences, and if it’s really worth it: Pregnancy, STDs, what happens after a break up, etc.
There was no formula for me on how to stay a virgin. It was God’s grace and deliberate efforts that worked for me.
Me: Do you think the desire to have sex was one of the reasons you got married? Could that desire by itself be enough to make you get married?
Liz: Sex was something to look forward to, but certainly wasn’t the desire that pushed me to marry. I knew a lllloooottttt more than to base marriage on sex. So, yes I knew that being married will allow me have sex, but deciding to marry hubs was not sex driven at all. I looked at the whole picture. At the end of the day, it’s a given that I will have sex with whomever I marry. So, why choose to marry someone because of that? Plus there is a way sex seems so appealing when it is a “forbidden fruit” compared to the reality you face when you actually start having sex. Take me for example. It was painful at first. Up till now, there are times when I have sex and I don’t feel a lot of excitement. It is messy. I don’t like the feeling of something entering me etc. That’s just me. But I know sex was made to be beautiful, so I trust God that eventually I will get there.
Sasha: 23, Single
I am very encouraged by this girlfriend of mine, and will share a snippet of her story she is so open about. She got sexually active at about age 16, and remained active till age 22. When she made the decision to become celibate, it was not in any bit a spiritual one. It was simply a result of a douche-bag making her feel like a sex object. After her journey to celibacy, she re-found Christ, and it’s all come full-circle for her now. She talks about the liberation she has found from not creating soul ties with randoms. She is enjoying herself now, by hanging out with good people, forgiving those from her past, living a moral and godly lifestyle, being a bomb ass fashionista, and confidently taking strides in the direction of God’s purpose for her life.
I am so encouraged by these young women. I hope you are too! In the comment section, please let me know your story. What have your struggles been? How do you justify your choices in life? Do you have a good support system?
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I love you, and appreciate your support. I have found Jesus to be the only way. Even when I stray, He is always there – please find Him. See ya next Thursday!